Where parents cannot agree there are really only three methods of resolving differences:-

1.    By negotiation, whether with or without solicitors.

2.    By using a third party agency, for example, Mediation or counselling.

3.    Through the Courts.

Under 1. I have often found that a lengthy and increasingly bitter exchange of solicitors’ letters does nothing to improve a child’s day to day existence.  There can be quite genuine differences of opinion and in my view solicitors should try and avoid being led by very genuine but emotional clients’ feelings in the matter and help their client take an overview as to what is of main importance and how to avoid further conflict.

The costs and the possibility of becoming absolutely entrenched are very real threats to a child’s wellbeing.

Under 2.  Sometimes the family GP can assist in obtaining family counselling and some schools have support structures in place which help parties focus on the actual issues relating to the children rather than the disagreements between the parents.

Under 3.  There is a procedure whereby either parent can apply to the Court for an Order relating to where the child should live, how often the child should see each parent and whether any conditions or restrictions should be imposed.  This can include exposure to a parent’s new partner or other children or whether contact should take place for a parent when that parent may not be there, for example, out at work.  It can also include involvement of grandparents in the children’s lives. A Judge has an impossible task of adjudicating between two parents who appear on their best behaviour and feeling very strongly about the welfare of their child. Usually, therefore, a Court will Order a Children and Family Court Advisory Support Service (CAFCASS) Officer. Unfortunately, like many government funded support systems CAFCASS are totally overwhelmed at present and it can take up to 4 – 5 months before a CAFCASS Officer can make a report. 

This is not to say that sometimes the early involvement of a CAFCASS Officer as Mediator or even arbiter does not help.  Sometimes cases are resolved at that relatively early stage.  Going to Court on these issues, like going to Court on anything else is a lottery.  The only certainty is that it costs a lot of money.  I have had instances where the Judge has quite clearly stated that they will not make any Order.  They effectively tell the parents to go away and sort things out.  This is not helpful if matters have become very entrenched and the parents cannot communicate at all.  In other instances the Court can Order that the Residence of a Child be transferred from one parent to the other.  This can be done because the Judge genuinely believes that one parent can provide better care than the other or that one parent will ensure that the child preserves the best possible relationship with both parents whereas the other parent may actively inhibit a child’s contact with both parents.

The Courts are extremely reluctant to hear arguments that children do not want to see one parent.  There is often a presumption, sometimes very unfairly, that one parent, whether intentionally or not, is putting the child into a difficult position of divided loyalty.  Children can feel very compromised at trying to be fair to both parents or to protect one parent from the other and can end up expressing opinions that are nothing to do with their own wishes but a misplaced attempt to referee between the grownups.  For such cases, to end up in Court can often be seen as a failure for all concerned.

Mediation, as offered by a variety of institutions around the country at varying levels of cost has to be the preferred option.  Mediators are trained to try and build bridges of communication between parents showing them how to liaise with each other on matters relating to the children even if they cannot communicate on any other topic.

No one can justify using a child as a pawn in separation.  Unfortunately that is sometimes what happens.

If these or any other issues relating to family breakdown are problems for you please contact us on 01423 858582 or This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it